disclaimer: not books related.
So I'm 19. And I'm in my second year of university, and sometimes I'm.. floundering. I have my day to day things, I have my tests, assignments, social things, things like that. But I'm doing a bit too much stereotypical soul-searching and more often than not, I'm coming up blank. And it's like I'm stuck in this hole in which everyone has this silly little thing called "direction" in their lives, and I don't, because I'm unsure of what I want to do and what I love to do. How is that possible? How do I, ME, not even know what I like?
So I backtrack, and I think, what was the last thing I was truly passionate about?
Lo and behold: YA books and blogging.
I was equal parts passionate and obsessed. Maybe more passionate than obsessed, because it filled my mind. It was an interest that I thought about constantly, and on the upside, it kept my mind going and it's quite a beneficial interest-- Reading is cool and expands the mind. I'm so much better about having opinions on books. It's not as if I started smoking, I mean, I was obsessed with reading.
So what happened?
It's funny, because I think a part of myself purposely let that part of me go. I purposely cut the metaphorical rope that connected me to this blogosphere when I entered uni, and while that certainly gave me perspective (sadly, I'm much more cynical now about the the YA lit-osphere) it was also like "shutting down" my passion. True, I was also really busy, but I didn't try very hard to hang on. I let it go.
And I think I did it for the wrong reasons: I think I did it because I kept telling myself I needed to "move on" and "grow up". I couldn't sit around reading teen books anymore because society and the world requires me to "act like an adult" (guys, don't listen to my bullshit. If you're over 20 and reading YA, good on you, because I'm gonna be doing it as well). I guess I believed that I'd suddenly find myself immersed and in love with biology or something (heh, trust me, didn't happen) or my other subjects... but I didn't.
I just cut a part of me off and nothing came in and filled that space, so now I'm sitting here in my oh-too-common "what should I do with my life" state of mind and I thought I'd write something down.
And to tell you that really, if you're truly passionate about something, don't let go of it.
I've always had things I was obsessed with, so right now, I think I watch too much TV (trust me, it's too much). And I adore movies. Except again, I have that stupid voice in my head telling me that those things are shallow and artificial and why can't I be interested in cool things like taxidermy?
I'm scared of being "lost", of never figuring out what I want. I'm scared of making the same mistakes and not realizing it until it's too late, because it didn't really feel like a mistake at the time. I wish I could change too many things, and I wish I wasn't so young to be already having regrets.
So here I am, and I'm just going to keep on navigating this 20th year of my life (too many of my friends are turning 20, now that's scary) and I'm going to try new things and hopefully read some scholarly articles (ha) and some more good books (yay).
I got some advice recently.
"You will find your passion; it creeps up on you like an itch and you don’t realize what it is until it’s turned into a full-blown fever. I swear it’s not as painful as I just made it sound, but what I’m saying is that you will realize it when the time is right. The important thing to do is never stop doing stuff."
I hope that's true.
So I'm curious, of those 10 who might read this. What other passions do you have?