Friday, September 2, 2011

sometimes You'll see what I'm thinkin

disclaimer: doesn't relate to books. feel free to skip. 

Honestly, it feels like it’s been a few weeks since I’ve sat down and put some serious effort into making a decent blog post (reviews excluded, I actually do try really hard on my reviews, whether or not it’s apparent). It feels as if as university looms closer and closer and I’m hanging on to my friends while saying goodbye at the same time—and it’s hard. The blog has fell to the side and I’ve been concentrating on what’s out there instead of what’s inside my head, on the internet and on the page.

And sometimes it’s major events like this that remind me what’s important can be found in so many other places that’s not related to my laptop or the books or my blog or the reviews. I’m quite fond (a huge understatement) of the internet, but hanging out last minute with the people who taught me everything about friendship pulls me into reality. It’s giving me an in-your-face lesson on how tough it is to think that we won’t see each other, even with the promises of endless skype chats and texting. Maybe it’s just now that reality is hitting me. So why am I doing this? It’s not really because of schools or cities (I could be living in the gorgeous Vancouver if I wanted.)

Moving away is something that I’ve been planning since I started high school, it’s always been my plan to attend a university in the eastern side of Canada (I live in the west!) and I made sure not to back out when sending applications. I wanted to leave, I wanted to explore my independence and learn new things without a parental figure guiding me. I wanted to shed whatever shell I was put into during my high school years and discover what type of person I was and who I wanted to be, and I still believe that university is where I’m supposed to be. 

And it’s tumultuous emotions like that that remind me why I read YA. I recently read Wanderlove by Kirsten Hubbard and I’m reminded why so many people say they relate to YA and YA helps them through tough times. Because I don’t know if it’s just Ms Hubbard’s talent or the genre itself, but sometimes all it takes is that book that reminds you that you’re not alone. That you’re just writing your own story. 

A story that I can control and I can pour my emotions into and maybe look back after I have a fancy degree and a new outlook and think, “yeah, it’s worth it”. Self-discovery. You can just shrug it off as another predictable, clichéd theme that's present in my favourite young adult novels. Self-discovery. 

But as I’m sitting here in front of my computer that in 2 days I won’t see my own bed for 4 months, it’s freaky and scary and stressful. I’m thinking about how relaxing my summer has been and if I’m prepared, both mentally and emotionally, for something that is going to take self-discipline, brains, and a whole lot of effort. It scares the shit out of me that I’ll be by myself, fending for myself … but as I sit here looking at the half-empty suitcase and the 6 pairs of shoes I plan on bringing, I can’t help but think that it’s going to be worth it.

This isn’t the most coherent post (very much like my state of mind) and quite frankly, it is lacking any type of flow whatsoever, along with some editing. But I just feel like it’s time to sit my ass down in a chair and reflect and write it down and sure, maybe I’ll delete this post next week but for now, I present to you the holes in my brain.

-audrey

12 comments:

  1. You know I feel like I should write down some brainy thought everytime I want to comment? But I never do.

    this post is coherent.
    At first I was like: =(
    then: ='(
    and then: =))

    I'm not done with university yet. After 2 years of hardship and competition, I'm at a beginning. This is all I wished for. A beginning. please let me begin. And I can already tell you it's worth it.

    You know 6 pairs of shoes is a lot, right? You'll need 3 bags too: a schollbag, a second schoolbag (little more fancy) and a night-out bag.

    Well. Goodluck.
    =D
    (I'll miss your blogposts but I'm sure you'll still tweet like crazy)

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  2. Aw goodluck with university. I think it'll be worth it, scary at first but worth it.

    I'm just attending a university right here in my city. 2nd year. But I think i'd like to do the independent thing and go flatting soon. Anyway, just wanted to say Goodluck with everything! :)

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  3. I know what you mean...
    My advice:
    Stay true.
    Try to find a balance.
    You'll do awesome.
    :)

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  4. Oh Audrey I wish I was there so I could give you a big hug. It must be scary, and at the same time exciting venturing out. But I know that you will do more than fine. You have so much ahead of you, and I'll miss you so fucking much, it's not even funny. Things will be hectic for the both of us but I want to definitely always keep in touch, even if we don't blog for god knows how long. You are awesome and this post made me happy and sad. You know I adore you Audrey. Work hard, but always make time for fun. And I'll be here rooting for you and send you dopey emails and tweets. Love you girly. ;)

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  5. It is soooo totally worth it Audrey. Yes, it is scary, and it DOES take a lot of self discipline, but it really brings out your independence.

    My best advice for you... DON'T run off and get a tattoo. Trust me. That bee you get on your butt at 18 because you think it is sooo cute, won't be at 30.

    But then again, it's always best to regret the things you've done than the things you haven't done. Picked up that nugget at a Green Day concert. Thank you Joel. :)

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  6. Good luck Audrey! I will miss your constant randomness and rambling! I'm going into high school and while it's not even 1/4 of the scariness that is university, I'm freaking out a little bit too. I think a lot of people are freaking out this time of year. You're not alone :)

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  7. Audrey, best of luck. It's not easy, but I think you may find that in the end, it's worth it.

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  8. I love that you wrote this post! :)

    I think you will do awesome! But ya, times of transition can be really nerve-wracking. Best of luck! (And, I know college is more time consuming than HS, but I hope you stick around here on this side of the internet! :P)

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  9. I love this post Audrey, I'm so glad you shared it. I hope it all goes well for you. It's a scary, but amazing time. You're going to love it.

    Good Luck

    (and there's always books and blogging for any low moments!)

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  10. You are seriously so brave for going so far away for school! I'm planning on going to Toronto too (you are going to school in Toronto, right?) for grad school next year and even just thinking about living on my own is terrifying. I'm lucky though -- my boyfriend lives out in Toronto... I can't even imagine what it must feel like going when you know no one else in the city. So again, I really admire you for what you're doing. :) Best of luck to you!!

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  11. AWWW! Best of luck. I'm sure you'll be fine! But you know, one of the biggest reasons why I loved Anna was the opening chapter. It reminded me SO much of my first nights at college.

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  12. Wow, the ending was like the BOOM for me. It hit me right where it was supposed to. YOU WRITE SO WELL, AUDREY! *praises you*

    It's good to be living out on your own and trying out your freedom. I wish I could do that. For a moment in high school I wanted to. But I guess now isn't the time. I would soooo love to, though! And I'm glad you're doing it! It's going to be such an experience I'll always wish I could have. But university is university. It'll be one heck of a timeeee ;)

    I seriously hope to visit U of T to see my friends and MAYBE I may bump into you. Haha :)

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DFTBA :)
for those who are confused, it means "Don't forget to be AWESOME". *hugs*